I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I've used Microsoft Office.

I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centered: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'm willing to relocate: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

My background and skills match your requirements: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am on the go: I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I interact well with co-workers: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration: Wait! Don't throw me away!