Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of optimizing work output for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all.

In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 25 toilet trip credits.

2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.

3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.

4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.

5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.

6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening