"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"